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Women sitting in cars

Have you recently been on the road with a useless woman? A woman who thinks she never has to serve the driver, clean a window, check the oil, or pump gas herself? Was it because I was alone on my latest 1,300 mile road trip and noticed how most women sit like sticks in the passenger seat at a gas stop? If there’s one man on a road trip, is he somehow mandated to be the one outside pumping gas? Is it me, or do most women in cars sit like queens while the man is out in the weather taking care of business?

If you’re a man, this is what you need to teach your daughters and expect your girlfriends and wives to do. If you’re a woman, this is what you need to teach yourself and expect your daughters and girlfriends to do.

* Learn where the release latch is for the gas cap door . . . no matter whose car you’re in.
* Know the grade gas the car owner (and that might be you) thinks best for the vehicle.
* Pump the gas.
* Pay the bill.
* Check tire pressures.
* Inside at the mini mart, buy snacks and gum, coffee, good maps: whatever the driver needs.
* Be friendly and courteous with mini-mart clerks. You need these people.
* Wash the windows, front and back headlamps, and license plates. Evil, dark streams of residue may drip from your cleaning, but maybe rain will take care of that later.
* Get a blue (don’t know why they’re always blue) paper towel and clean the side and rearview mirrors. Better, carry some Windex sheets.
* Learn how to pop, keep open, and drop a hood safely.
* Check the fluids. Buy a quart of oil if you need to. Buy some windshield washer fluid if you need to. Better, carry some of both in the car you’re riding in (and that might be yours). A roll of paper towels is useful for checking the oil and cleaning everything.
* Walk the dog, check on the cat, take children to the restroom whether they say they need to or not. Everybody needs to start each driving leg with an empty bladder.

* The driver is god, serve the driver. Navigate, find and change CDs, pour coffee, slice apples, or manage the driver’s hamburger so god can keep his/her eyes on the road. Whatever god needs.
* Clean up and organize the front seats, foot wells, door side pockets, and dashboard. No errant golf balls, food wrappers, water bottles, wads of old gum, or friendly dogs should distract god.
* Check, clean, and maintain the glove box. Is the registration there? Insurance card? Some actual gloves?
* Maybe the passenger seat isn’t where you’re most useful to god. Sitting in a back seat can be enormously helpful to a driver, especially if there are children (and they can be any age), contentious or high-maintenance adults. If you’re not driving, you’re not god or the queen.
* Bring maps, use a compass or GPS, learn to navigate, communicate well to the driver.
* If god is a car slob, leave god’s car better than you found it.

No more useless women on road trips. There’s lots to do and lots of place to go.

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